How To (not quite) Train Your Dragon


I have crazy dreams, y’all.

I like to think that I have an overactive imagination…which I also like to blame the kids’ bizarre behavior on sometimes. (Seriously. My daughter only needed a pair of boots, a Ranger Rick magazine, and a stick…A STICK…to create a day’s worth of play last week.)

Anyway, my dreams are also possibly indicative of my need for “talk therapy” and a visit to Oprah.

My nocturnal subconscious is on complete overdrive these days.

I’ve driven an airplane to the moon and back with Ben Affleck as the co-pilot while rescuing endangered Tibetans. (This came after I watched Ben win his Golden Globe for best director for Argo. Side note: Watch Argo. Then question your accomplishments in life.)

I’ve petrified people accidentally with my friend Terri. (That one happened after I watched Harry Potter Chamber of Secrets.)

And I’ve intercepted a suburban drug ring, battled time-traveling mutants and sang my heart out for the lead role in a hit Broadway musical.

Let’s face it. In my dreams, I kick some major butt.

While my biggest accomplishment during waking hours is to complete all the laundry in one day.

So anyway….my latest epic battle in Dreamland had me whooping up on a dragon.

Now to get to the dragon, my fellow battlers (whom I do not know while I’m awake, but we seemed to be pretty good buddies while I was dreaming…) and I had to rescue something (I can’t remember what exactly) from an early 1900’s era circus of people who pitied me for some reason. I’m not sure why, but several people would look my direction and start weeping uncontrollably. I don’t know if I looked THAT messed up or what, but it didn’t seem to bother me.

Until I woke up and thought about it. Now I’m all, “Do I just  appear pathetic to other people or something? Is it my hair?”

Oh, and also before we made it to the dragon’s lair, I had to spend some time with elfin people in a forest while worms and gummy fish crawled all over my legs…and the elfin people assured me this was a good thing.

I know, right? This makes NO SENSE. Do you feel sorry for my psyche yet?

So worms and gummy fish and elfin creatures aside, I finally make it to this bricked tunnel. It was lit by lanterns hanging on the wall, but the farther you walked in the darker and narrower and deeper the tunnel got. You could hear the dragon roaring, and for whatever reason, my fellow dragon slayers wanted me to go first. And I was all, “Yeah. I got this.”  Until I could feel the dragon’s breath.

So I did what all brave heroines in dreams do.

I turned around and ran. And punched the guy next to me and told him to go first.

I think he did, because suddenly I was alone. And then it hit me.

I had this thought, I’m totally gonna defeat this dragon. I have no idea how. And I have no idea how I know this. But I’m gonna kick its tail.

So, then I start thinking that I shouldn’t be worried. I know I’m going to win. But then I think, Well I have to come up with a plan. And then I think, Well I guess I don’t need a plan. I’ll just go and do whatever comes naturally.

But for some reason, I thought poking it in the eye sounded good.

So, I set off down the tunnel with no weapons save my fingers that I’m going to poke it in the eye with, and then halfway around a dark corner I realize…

The dragon isn’t really a DRAGON. It’s whatever we fear the most. For each of us in the tunnel, the dragon would take a different form.

Is anyone ready to buy the rights to this and make a movie yet?

I’m all philosophical even in my dreams. Should that concern me?

So, I enter the phone booth/elevator thingie (Yeah. I don’t know. It came out of nowhere.) that’s supposed to take me to my dragon.

I get to my “dragon” and I realize it’s a bunch of doors. Just…doors.

Like, every door I open leads to another door. Or to a brick wall. Or…to a chest of drawers. Which is weird…but then again, so is this whole dream…I guess it kind of fits.

As I’m opening doors and getting nowhere, I realize what my dragon is. It’s that I feel like I’m “stuck”. Like I can’t get to the next place.

And I know that I have to get out of this tunnel and make it to the outside, but I can’t figure out how. I still have that feeling that I’m going to just blow this whole thing up and be able to do one heck of a victory dance in the end, but I’m starting to get tired from searching. And I’m getting frustrated and all I can think is “WHEN is this going to end?!”

And that’s it.

I woke up with a massive headache.

Now, I don’t need to be some fancy dream interpreter to figure this one out. It’s pretty much all there in black and white.

And my whole dream aligns perfectly with some thoughts and feelings that I’ve been wrestling with lately. (And before the masses start whispering, this has nothing to do with my marriage. I’m in love! I’m in love! And I don’t care who KNOWS it!)

Oh…and it just so happens that two of my FAVORITE quotes (I do love me some quotes) are about dragons.

“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”–G.K. Chesterton


And I’ll end with this, for anyone who may be fighting their own dragons right now…

“So comes snow after fire, and even dragons have their endings.”--J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit


I do not, however, have any advice for you if you encounter gummy fish and elfin people in the woods. If you figure THAT one out, let me know.