WARNING: This is raw and real. It may not be eloquent and it may not be perfect, but as I stood at my kitchen counter with tears spilling out of my eyes, I was reminded once again that NOT sharing my story is damaging. For me, for someone who may need to hear it.
I came to this as I was asking God, “Why? Why do I feel like this? Is there a purpose?”
And if I keep my struggles to myself, it will help no one.
So here goes…
It’s been a rough few days for me personally.
I have beaten myself up and crawled into my pit emerging only to do what I needed to survive. And that sounds dramatic. But it’s the truth.
I struggle with depression.
Most days, I am okay. But then there are times where the feeling of failing at being a wife, a mommy, a friend overtakes all the happy thoughts.
I have a non-neurotypical child. And I’ve mentioned this before. She is beautiful and smart and talented and creative and kind and funny.
But we also have hard days, hard times, hard moments.
Throw that into the mix of having two other kids who are also “live wires”, and at the end of every day my body often physically hurts from the toil of it all.
I feel overwhelmed. And with a million and one things barking for my attention, and some more loudly than others, I shut down.
But I’m tired and there are times where even my prayers are just my hands thrown up in angst, begging God to give me answers.
Parenting is hard. Parenting a child with high needs is hard. Parenting when you feel tired and at the end of your rope, is super freaking crazy hard.
And here’s this…I love my babies.
I love them with all my being.
I cry over how to help them when they seem “unhelpable”.
My husband is a source of strength…I am not in this alone. He is an amazing father who prayerfully seeks the best ways to guide our family. I am beyond blessed.
But depression and anxiety are not respecters of that.
Over and over and over and over this week, I feel like I have failed. I feel like everything that I’ve done has been wrong.
It has been hard. So hard.
And as I stood in my kitchen, listening to David Crowder sing, “Here’s my heart, Lord. Speak what is true…”….well, that’s when the tears came.
I KNOW the condemnation I feel towards myself and the feeling of failing and feeling hopeless are not real. I know they are not TRUE.
I can’t change my child…these are medical issues. Only God can “change” that…and He may not choose to do so.
It wasn’t what I asked for when I became a mommy…I had a totally different picture in my head.
And God rocked that world. And gave me three of the most amazing little people that ever existed.
If I’m being honest, I think I spent years…and even until just recently…wishing for something different. Not wishing for different children…but that the issues that we have were non-existent in our lives.
But they are. And I have to believe that because we struggle with the things that we do as a family, that God has a purpose for them. Not only for us, but for our story and our journeys to help another family.
We have been blessed to have some amazing individuals placed in our family’s life that have encouraged my daughter’s growth, that have loved her for who she is not questioning us or her for the struggles she has. And really, that’s all I can ask for…that God continue to guide us with people who love us as we are, flaws and all, and who encourage us, help us, respect us, and pray for us.
I’m pushing forward, because I have to. I’m leaning into the light, and holding on to Jesus as much as I can…and sometimes it’s the death grip/hanging on for dear life kind of holding, but I think that’s okay.
Some times the best I can do is to keep telling myself, “Keep moving.” It’s what I have to tell my kids when we’re getting ready for school or for bed. “Keep moving”…there are going to be things that distract us, but if we don’t keep moving, we get sidetracked and never get anywhere.
Today is a “keep moving” kind of day.