Some days, I get stuck.
When I say “stuck” what I mean is, I have 1,001 things I want to do…never mind the things that I HAVE to do…and yet, I could sit on the couch and do AB.SO.LUTE.LY. NOTHING.
And while I think that having “down” time is good for the soul, being “stuck” is different.
When you’re stuck, you know that you have the space and time and breathing room for reading that book you’ve got set aside, for indulging in your guilty pleasure of Netflix binge-watching, or taking a mindless trip to Target or TJ Maxx…but even getting started seems like so much effort.
Maybe none of you can even relate to this.
But I have a few different theories floating around in my head as to why I get “stuck”.
I’ve mentioned before that I struggle with depression. I have more sunny days these days than I definitely used to, but every now and then, I get overwhelmed and…just sorta…stop.
So maybe it’s as simple as “I’m in a funk”.
Maybe it’s just a hormonal thing.
Or maybe…it’s fear. Or perfectionism.
Allow me to expound…
Before I had my first child, I had an image in my head of exactly how things were going to be…
…And they did NOT go that way.
Which is okay…I mean, it’s okay NOW. I’ve accepted and adjusted…to the idea that my Utopia in parenting and motherhood does not exist in this realm.
But my idea of Perfection in Parenting followed all the “guidelines” given out by the professionals…
And so where I used to have the TV on a lot and I had “my shows” that I loved (I still miss you Monica, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross…and those fews seasons that Marcel the monkey was on…), I stopped having the TV on so much. And I didn’t have shows that I watched anymore… I was too focused on raising this baby that I had by the “rules”…and somewhere in those “rules”, I thought that meant that I had to wipe out all the “fun” in my new mommy life.
I remember that I was reading The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks the week that I (finally) went into labor with McKenna.
…She’s 9. I STILL have not finished that book…
I stopped buying things for me. I bought things for the baby.
I used to bake. A lot. And that came and went in spurts until the third baby was born.
And then, even if I had wanted to resume the world of the culturally relevant, I didn’t have the time anymore.
Somewhere in between the years of 2005 and 2013…I forgot what I liked. I forgot what I enjoyed doing, reading, watching.
Slowly, as the babies got older and one by one they trotted off to school, I realized that even though time was slowly creeping back into my life in minute little increments, I had completely forgotten what I enjoyed doing anymore.
The old expression “I lost myself” seems so cliche…
…But sometimes cliche is “on the money”. (See what I did there?)
At any rate, because I’m still discovering and re-learning what I enjoy doing, I think that I get “stuck”. I’m almost overwhelmed with the choices that I have…
It’s been almost a decade, and this is sort of a new phase of life for me…the kids are more independent…so sadness and complete elation are a mixed bag of emotions that I carry around these days.
But, just like moving into any new stage in life, there is some time needed to find your footing. My transition into motherhood was tough, the transition into adding each new baby had its own period of adjustment.
And now, with only mere months separating my youngest from Kindergarten, I’m in sort of a “life crisis”…my role as 24-7 caregiver is coming to an end…and there’s a need to find a purpose and new things that I enjoy.
I sat most of the day, like a slug, with a stack of books in front of me, an available laptop on the ottoman, and three unoccupied TVs in my house.
Finally, I did what anyone has to do to get “unstuck”…just start moving.
So I moved.
And that simple task, that simple act of moving to do SOMETHING, motivates you to move and do and find yourself more and more and more.
Now that I have moved, it’s time for me to get out of the house by myself for a bit today while Stephen is here to watch the kiddos.
…Because while I love the movie Frozen, the middle child has just hit play on it for the FOURTH time.
I’m all for movie-quoting and Disney and musicals and all that…but if I’ve discovered anything while “re-discovering” myself it is that repetitively watching ANYTHING without a break, is NOT what I’m made for.
It’s, um, time to “Let It Go”…
Bad puns, though? Yeah…I’m all over that.